time will tell..and heal....

An idle summer day .. at a friend's place…”y don’t u go to S.com…? u never know u might find HIM there..this in response to my “where are all the good guys gone??”.I had just ended a long “on and off” relationship but I balked at the idea-“go on a matriomonial site” – I might as well as get LOSER tattooed on my forehead!! But she was persistent –quoting several friends who had found their life partners online – "come on woman we live in the internet age"…after dragging my feet ...I finally gave in(did I say she was persistent!!).
Profile created. One condition which was imp was NRIs please don’t bother –I wanna live in India.
Then started the roller coaster… of the most weird match making I have ever been through …the biker who rode down from Mumbai on his bullet – only to tell me he wanted his spiritual guru to “bless us” – HE would know if I was the right one !! The divorcee who CONSTANTLY spoke about his “B*#@*” of an ex-wife. The man who claimed he was a divorcee as his ex-wife was schizo..err she was not and he was very much married ! and many more such till I finally gave it up.Never went back to the site and went back to my very hectic work life and shut it out.Marriage,soul mate –yeah right ,will leave it to the next lifetime-maybe I will be born as a roach and have better chance of success !
Till one day a couple of months later… a strange email…Hi – how are u ? BTW NRIs are Indians too , what do you have against them ??  huhh?? -IGNORE.

A week later …a longer mail – Hi My name is R.... and I saw your profile on S.com. I live in California and was interested in knowing you better…let me know if you are interested.Polite,boring and mundane…but I don’t know what nerve that touched , and I vented !! to a complete stranger – I wrote a lonnng email about all the "interesting" men I had the misfortune fo meeting on line and ended with sorry – I should have closed down my account on S.com as I was no longer interested in pursuing that line of action. For a while there was silence and then I got a response – he told me that he found my mail quite hilarious (!!) and really just wanted to make friends if I was ok with that. He also wrote about his passion for films, his childhood in Delhi and how he was Amitabh B’s biggest fan – well emails led to phone calls and that truly was the beginning of a great friendship ..he was an MBA from an Ivy league college, worked with a bank – boring job but on the side he was into event management and truly truly passionate about films .. He was witty and intelligent and we really clicked. And yes it was clear that we were not looking at this as a romantic relationship _ I was quite sure I did not want to leave India and he did not see a future coming back.. he was the superb guy friend that every girl needs in her life !We spoke .. a lot I remember this time he was driving to his sisters place upstate and he described the drive on the way -the fall landscape ...he had a way with words ,or his multitasking skills being tested to the hilt - when he was talking to me ,babysitting his nephew and 'protecting' his laptop from the little one  who was hell bent on destroying it . Like me, he adored kids but did not want his own- quite happy with the borrowed nieces and nephews.I remember the time someone stole the emblem off his car – he was quite pissed “it isn’t a BMW without the emblem” he grumbled . U r so "Delhi Punjoo" I joked , worried about the ‘show-sha’ !! we talked and laughed and took cracks at each other. He was passionate about films and was managing an event for the Pirates of the Carribean with a friend. He hoped to someday quit his “boring bank job” and do that full time.

28th Jan 2007 –"happy Birthday" the first call I got at sharp 12 midnight was from him. I kept asking him when his Birthday was and he never told me … anyway the months rolled on till June /July of that year when he was supposed to come to Delhi to “see some girls” – S.com hadn’t worked for him either and his parents were keen for him to “settle down” and so he agreed. I was the friend and advisor helping to settle his nerves as he really felt that this was “not quite the way I thought I would get married” . he was quite adamant that he would not “see” girls - he hated the idea of “rejecting” or “being rejected” and would tell his parents – “ I will meet only one girl and if she agrees will go ahead”. Anyway we continued to talk and finally the day came in July 2007 when he landed in Delhi. I lived in Bangalore at that time and was in Pune for a campus trip. I was at the airport waiting for the flight when he called . He was in delhi and we spoke. And then he dropped the 1st bombshell – “what about US?”. “WHAT about us ?”– I said not sure where this was going. Then the words tumbled out – his nervousness obvious .. ‘we get along so well..why not give it a try. Look lets just tell our families.. no pressure , no engagement, come to California for a visit – you will love it, I will totally support what u want to do ….study ,work ,isn’t it worth a try?” I was stunned – I fumbled,my nervousness obvious – why r u doing this -ruining everything, I am not prepared… will call u back.need some time to think. Emergency call to friend and she was like “r u stupid, of course YES. Give it a try…..its worth it whats wrong with u – its now or never.” So I took a deep breath and said YES.
No it wasn’t love – I did not feel that but it did not feel wrong either,it felt JUST right. So we decided I would come to Delhi – we would meet up enroute from the airport at Nirulas and then we would go to our respective homes and tell our family. I remember that drive from the airport – I did not feel butterflies at potentially meeting the man I could marry I just felt really happy at meeting the guy who was my friend . . he called and dropped the 2nd bombshell… “ I am so sorry, I cant do this… there is this girl she is the daughter of my dad’s friend.. the families are keen and I don’t know how to say no. she seems really nice…”. I was silent and then I said in the most nonchalant tone I could muster “ hey no problem – its fine,I mean WE weren’t gonna work anyway u know I don’t see myself moving countries….i think u r making the right choice…. “ we cancelled the nirula’s meeting it was too awkward and I went straight home and then back to Bangalore.Work was hectic,the daily grind took over and I had barely anytime to think.
Was I hurt – yes, was I devastated – no , I just felt really stupid and awkward. Imagine being proposed to and rejected by someone who had not even met u and that too in less than a week! Over time I even learnt to laugh at the ridiculous turn of events! But yes at times when loneliness struck I did wonder why did this happen to ME??? The calls and emails stopped _i missed the friend i had - I wanted to reach out but felt awkard I guess he felt the same… time does heal everything and the punishing work schedule helped too…

1st Jan 2008 – the most beautiful apology mail ever .. ".........I behaved like a cad , I am so sorry for what I did and I hope you can forgive me." He had married her and they were both in California now.

I melted – and wrote back. The emails started again –they were less frequent but it was good again.We never spoke but there was peace between us.

28th Jan 2008 – an email “happy birthday”. He still hadn’t told me his date of birth and now I had stopped asking ! we exchanged a couple of mails and all was well.
Then silence …. Till sometime a couple of months he wrote to tell me he was not too well – it was a condition called the enlarged heart –nothing serious, he was on medication. His wife was studying, doing her MBA and some more such  details of his life. This was now a ritual - somehow we were really at peace with each other and I looked forward to that annual interaction-"happy birthday" a couple of emails and silence but the vibe was good and peaceful… i started looking forward to my birthday email!!
28th Jan 2009 – “happy birthday”.He was excited –while he had not quit his job he had started his own event management firm .One baby step -atleast one of us was moving towards a cherished dream..
28th Jan 2010 – “happy birthday” . Ironically this was the day I was resigning from my current job , and moving to Mumbai in a month’s time to another job and a new life…. I wrote to him quite excited and said I would give him my personal email id so that we could be in touch. He was really happy for me –we exchanged a couple of more emails and then I got busy with the relocation, the handing over, new city, house hunting, the farewells etc etc etc and somewhere somehow I never got around to the personal email id ………..

I have looked for him – on FB, on google,but with a name like R.....S.......it is difficult….to find MY R... S.....

Is he looking ? I don’t know…. I sure hope to hell he is . Jan 28th 2011 is a couple of months away – will he find me ?? How will I feel if he does not .. I don’t think I will be devastated but I think in the corner of my heart somewhere I will feel sad.

In the last couple of months I have thought of him a lot – Mumbai is a overcrowded yet lonely city – it emphasizes your loneliness like very few cities can.Unlike Bangalore which in its quaint,sleepy homely way never lets you feel alone , Mumbai with it crowded,hi energy never-sleep attitude does…and in many a lonely moment I have thought – what if we had met , what if. I am 38 and a very realistic person – too realistic perhaps – and I don’t claim to be in love with R...., never was and nor was he… but I do “what if” and “maybe”a lot when it comes to him – maybe it would have been a disaster and we would have hated each other when we met.Maybe it was better that we never met …maybe…

For now I will settle for the smaller blessings in life – I hope he is looking for me …and I hope he finds me just to say "Happy Birthday",i want my friend again - the once a year "happy birthday" its not much but i will settle for that …. But then maybe he is not even looking..maybe..it is all in my head…maybe i think what we share is important but he does not ..i dont know…. Time will tell……time has always been a good friend .....it has helped heal many wounds and 28th Jan 2011…its not that far away...till then i can "hope" and "maybe" and "what if"