I am who I am .

OK this has to be written ...its been a couple of days but the event is still bothering me...and it is an oft occuring thing so I guess it has to be said... a couple of days back I went out with a couple of people ... 1 is a close friend and the other 2 are people i have met once earlier. It started off as a pleasant enough evening....and then when it came to ordering our drinks I asked for a fresh lime soda ..there were raised eyebrows and you DONT DRINK ?????  I said no.... but felt odd. then ofcourse - you dont smoke either ....oh what a nun u r , how boring.... and so on and so forth..and  i felt a bit defensive , had to explain -no u know i am running, training for a marathon so ...avoiding all that ...
 later when I came home I was quite irritated and it got me thinking ... I know i will sound like my Mom but at the risk of sounding old and dated - When I was in college915-16 yrs ago),women who smoked and drank were scandalous ,rebellious and also 'easy' - but look where we are today - If you DONT drink and smoke u r considered boring !!i dont condone EITHER stand btw - i dont htink people should be judged for their habits /appearances but come to think of it we are such a judgemental society and also what a 360 deg turn those judgements have taken! and then why should I or ANYONE for that matter have to explain their choices in life to anyone else ? I just dont get it - and look at me - I have to justify why i dont smoke and drink - errr. these are unhealthy habits and I have to explain why i dont indulge in them -LOL , that is ironical :-)
Anyway -  i decided a couple of things for myself - I love running , I have been running now for 4 years and to be honest this has been my BEST YEAR so far... I am not a natural runner and its been a struggle for me to really take to this sport but this year i am feeling good about the way its going and i am really really enjoying it.Having said that _ i am not one of those evolved runners who can sleep at any time after a night of drinking and still get up and run...when i get to that stage i will be very happy till then i need to prioritise my running . and what does that mean for me - Fri,Sat & Sun are my long run days - i do 10 K everyday . To be able to do that i need to eat simple, sleep well, not drink or smoke and get up early . So Thurs,Fri & Sat I will NOT go out in the evening. Will I make an exception - YES for a friends birthday /a big party I will but lets just go out and drink - no way... Maybe I am selfish but I dont judge you for what you want to do on a Friday night so please dont judge me. Going to bed early,with a cup of hot milk and a book does not stereotype me as boring or a nun just like partying till dawn and drinking yourself under the table does not tag you as modern and uber cool. These are preferences and choices that we make about how to spend our evening and are not the full manifestations of who we are as people !
And YES - I DONT smoke and I DONT Drink - and I DONT NEED TO EXPLAIN WHY !!!

How you get from a 5K run to a 6K run ...a conversation with myself :-)

6.30 am..... Mind(M) - Oh shit .....y did u put the alarm for 5 am....you never get up at 5 and then sleep late...6 am would have been so realistic.
Heart(H) -too late to go for a run now...let me just sleep in ...
M -no no - get up its Ok we can still go  - do a short run but dont miss it .
H - oh come on....i dont want to....no no no - its too late !! Cant run at 7am ..
M - get up get up - its ok ...a cup of black coffee will do the trick....
On the road now....
H - lets just do a short run. Yesterday was the first 5 K in ages , legs are still hurtin....lets just be happy that we did not miss it.
M-yeah that makes sense - lets just do a short run.
In the park now.....stretch your legs,adjust your watch.
Legs (L) - ooh i love this stretching but hey M & H - take it easy today ok - its late ,already 7 so even a 2K is good.
M&H - yeah yeah ..we get it.
L - hey dont go all sarci on us now.. we are the ones that need to do all the work !
"main kahoon to saala character dheela hai" H - ooh thats  a nice number - that Salman khan really knows how to move!"..Ok here we go Ls hope you are ready..
Ls- oh yeah this feels good - one step at a time....this is feeling good...
M - look at those fat women - walking like that aint gonna help sisters - run ,watch us go.
H - oh look at that - that awesome runner is here...man some day we will be running like him - what does he do - like a 10K every day .. .hmmm....we will get there too maybe like in Sept.
Ls  - hey hey - now dont get any ideas ! sure we will get there but today its only 2K.and we are almost there......
"Hud Hud Dabang"
H - ooh cant stop on this number , come on Ls Salman will be insulted....!
M - yeah I agree -lets go ...only for this number.
Ls - guys guys come on .. oh ok  - this is a good song - ok only for salman...
Lungs (Lu's) - god this sports bra is tight..breathing is tough - why cant she get a larger size! all her extra weight seems to have filled up here....hello what ever happened to the 'even distribution' of weight!
M&H - hey guys dont blame us - u know how she excercises - its all running ...we do try to coax her to work out her upper body but she doesnt like it ! so all the action is down there and no scope for weight going down to that part of the body !
V ;-) - ahem....excuse me - before anyone gets any ideas....i aint getting any action !! they mean the LEGS !! I mean -  i deserve some action too - but not her! M&H - all your fault - u just dont let her!! oh well....
M- hey V ..no depressing thoughts now ..and shhh...before the Ls find out - we are already at 4 k !! :-)
Ls - hey who u trying to fool - trust me we know and we want to STOP !! Now !! Now !! Now!!
"errrr...guys,guys,come on - stop it ...lets not give up,not yet - come on whats the point....after doing 4 21Ks this is nothing ...ok lets try and complete 1 more K !"
All together - who the F are you ? and y r u whispering...
"Umm I am her Spirit - i kinda have been a but low and hurt ...just getting back into shape!"
H - OMG !! Hello S ! Where have you been ! We have really missed u - u do look a little pale and sick to me ... hope u r Ok ?
M - Well S grows in strength as she acheives more ....so the more we run , the more S shines and sparkles !
L's & Lu's - excuse us for stepping in - what do u mean WE ?? Its US - the Ls and Lu's that are doing all the hard work ....and we are tired.
H -oh come on guys - guess what we have done 5K already ....and S is right -whats the point of resting on our laurels - lets just go for ONE MORE K ....lets do it for "S" - she needs our help to get better !
Ls and Lu's - no no ! its too difficult !
"Pyaar to hona hi tha" ..
H & S - what an awesome number - oh come on ! we have to run to this ... come on Ls - lets pick up the pace ..we can do it !
L's - we are so gonna regret it later today but what the hell ...well  guess we can so here goes.... one step at a time .....on and on and on !
OMG - we did it ... 6.25Ks.....did it did it did it !!
H - i am so flushed ,this was a great workout
Ls -we feel so good....and tired !
Lus - the bra still hurts but what the hell - loads of fresh air...the best breakfast ever !
M- hmmm... i am wondering if we can do a 7K tomorrow?
S - i feel 50% there !this is awesome ! lets go get that brownie - well deserved!
And that is how we do a 6K!!

just talking....

Missed calls , a smile ("she called"..) call back, no response....sms - sorry i was sleeping...another missed call..another call back and then we finally talk - across cities....laughing,giggling....discussing our 'very important jobs'.....our trips to far off places...exchanging notes...i crack a joke about her weight and she joins in...she laughs about my obsession with eye liner (yes that's correct!) and i laugh along.....we talk about fashion and corporate life and managers who give us hell...sameer is back and she has stuff to do and i have dinner to eat...thats me and anila...
Chat session...hellloooo roo, hi api....chummis and gaalis are exchanged..i tell her to see my pics ,read my blog and she sends me the link to her ad - mutual admiration happens (super film,nice pics)..then got to go....ziba is waiting  for her and J Depp is waiting for me...more chummis and gaalis and we log off...thats me and roohi
call on my mom's cell.....she does not pick up...call on the land line and "u never pick up the mobile'..'its upstairs and i am downstairs'...laugh at the same old joke...she asks if i am ok , have i eaten ,i must be tired...'mom i am ok let me tell u about my trip!'...i talk she listens....and laughs as i describe the food and the fun and how skinny the women are, i tell her about my shopping..she tells me the latest on the noida gossip and the family intrigues ...i listen and laugh...ok where is dad i want to talk to him...she calls him and then his hearty laugh ...we discuss vietnam , their military...their politics and then he needs to go watch discovery and i watch mtv...thats me -mom and dad...
so many conversations ...different people...different lives....random conversations interrupted by the to-dos of life and yet connected..........little conversations...huge part of my life....

A Tale of Two Women ....Part 2

DISCLAIMER :This one was difficult to write... not cos i did not know what to say ..but i had so much to say and that too for my sisters best friend - Roohi .Let me state that clearly she is my sisters best friend - so Neeta don't make faces and take out your territorial claws -she is and always be your best friend ...secondly i am trying to write about someone who weaves magic with her words ...and I..... well I compared my best friend to a bottle of water :-)
. But no more long drawn intro - let me get to it... Roohi,or Roo (thats what i call her in my head :-) !) ....- she is my sisters best friend,soul sister ....and that is one of the many reasons why I love her cos she means the world to my sis ..and to me that would be  enough reason ..but Roohi has given me so much more to love her for ...
neeta used to talk about her and i used to listen ... half interested..roohi this, roohi that etc etc etc....half heard /remembered conversations over chai.then one day i met her..the first and most amazing thing about roohi is this mass of beautiful thick gorgeous curly hair and the most amazing intense honest eyes - these are not eyes that are your typical -large and doe shaped beautiful these are intelligent, honest, passionate and hence beautiful eyes.
if you can get past the hair and the eyes u see a woman who is feminine, eclectically dressed and just gorgeous in her physical appearance with a fabulous 'goes to her eyes' smile- and not your film star kind of pretty ,but an unusual beauty, but-cant-help-notice-her pretty- and then if you can get past that you see a wonderful human being -an intelligent,warm,sensitive and superb human being...and for anyone who meets Roohi i sincerely reccomend get past that to know who she is ...
so who is she - to me Roohi is gifted with an amazing treasure...and her treasure is people - she is a people magnet. when i spend time with her at her home -as she walks around her home,cooking , putting things away, fluffing up a pillow here,tucking away a book there,chatting with amay,dealing with the dhobi and  making sure i am looked after she is constantly with people -who call her and whom she calls and there is this constant comforting buzz of people around her....and she shares off this treasure generously - to know her is to know this wonderful cosmos of people that she has nurtured and treasured and if she likes u she will make you a part of that world -and what a wonderful glorious world it is ! so many lunches and dinners have i had at her place and everytime i have come away having known someone who was interesting and 'good-to-know' even if for an evening conversation.
Roohi is today MY friend - when that transition from 'Neeta's friend' -Roohi and 'Neeta's sister' - Api happened i dont know but it did ...and to a large part it is her persistence-and that is another thing you need to know -she is persistent....for a  loner like me she kept on it -she would keep inviting me and i would keep coming up with excuses but she persisted till i gave in ...slowly but surely we bonded and it happened over some wonderful moments....her diwali /christmas parties, our visit to the spa for a facial ( tho she came down with a rash !!) birthday's,an evening that  we spent together pub hopping and sharing stories of our college crushes ( it was only 2 pubs but at 30+ what else can you expect) silly stupid moments like laughing about chicken-do-paada, or some silly punjabi phrase and drunken moments when she told me that i was a better cook than Neeta or how awful a singer she is (Neeta - in her defence she did look a bit  guilty :)!) ..and tough moments -i saw her transition from working in a prod house to creating her own business and running it so successfully,from being a wife to a mom,some tough times personally and professionally, and she has seen me go through relationships,job changes and city moves..i dont know if she agrees but i feel  Roohi and I are very PROUD of each other and happy about our successes and that is an amazing feeling - i love telling people about Roohi and all that she is and has achieved and when she visited my home in Bangalore and here in Mumbai  - she looked around at my place and said "this is so cool i am so proud" and that is when it struck me -the pride we take in each other....and that comes from not just love and friendship but respect ....
I value her in my life - her thinking matters..i recently  called her for something stupid that i was planning to do  ;-) and she gave it to me straight as a bullet ,she does not mince words - "dont do it , take it easy , you dont want to go down that route again".... and in my head i went "damn" !!! i need her to approve -because she matters and i respect her opinion. But you know the good thing is that if i dont listen to her and go ahead ....she will still be there  - and when i burn my fingers and go to her she wont say "I told u so" (maybe she will! ), she will hand me a cup of chai or a glass of wine, talk to me and make me feel warm and whole again and say "chal koi nahin,its ok, u will be fine". The imp thing is that i want her to say it cos i need to hear it from her and the best thing is that she has a great track record -she has said it to me many times in the past and she has been right everytime.
So this is to my sisters best friend and the other woman who completes my tale..MY friend Roo....

A Tale of Two Women ....Part 1

Two very different women... who form a HUGE part of my life .. and a large part of the blessings i count on when i send a thank u to the universe.... Here goes -Part 1 .

Anuradha aka Anu aka Charsi aka "Noo"- i met her in IMT in 1994..... she and i are chalk and cheese... at 5'3" with a tom boyish haircut ,shorts and t shirt sans make up look while i at 5'11" was in my girly silver jewellery long hair ethnic phase. it was not just physical but we differed in so many ways - she was(And still is)  sweet and patient and non judgemental,soft spoken (with a very strong hidden temper) while i was (and remain!) outspoken,rude and tempestuous. We bonded over our ragging sessions - she accepted those silly activities with a patient smile while i sulked and made faces but somehow we connected . For 2 years we were inseperable..... She was nicknamed Charsi - for her very dopey look ;-) and since we were always together - i became ganjeri - ganja .. Charas and Ganja...what a wonderful 2 years -has to count amongst the best years of my life... we shared so much late night assignments, drinking sessions,bitching sessions,crushes,relationships - it was like being on another planet...then placements and her marriage -she moved to Mumbai and i to Bangalore.we hardly ever called but when we both moved back to Delhi it was seamless -it is as if we werent ever apart .Stay overs at her place - meeting in CP after work  - it was endless.
Then cities changed again - i moved back to Bangalore and we again went into that no communication mode - till one day she called...she had moved out , her marriage was falling apart. I took leave and went to Delhi - i was angry and upset and worried - why had she not told me,is she OK ?? She was still sweet and patient and strong,....and quiet. I spent time with her , came back to Bangalore and maintained our calls. She moved on to Mumbai and as time healed her wounds we went back to our silent relationship. Yes we caught up when ever i was in Mumbai we always met and conversations seemed to flow ... then she remarried and moved to Singapore. We always sent an email /sms to establish that we had each others contact details but never used them .I am not am imaginative writer and i cant explain but somehow it is like this bottle of water that i always place on my bedside table before i sleep - i have hardly ever use that bottle  but i cant sleep without it ....and that is how it was we both know where to reach each other but hardly  ever do ...And again there was quiet ....she and i did sms each other once in a while but hardly ever heard back from each other .... One day - i needed some cash to pay for the flat i was buying - i smsed her -" need 2 lakhs will return in 6 mnths time - slightly urgent." within a second the response came - "can manage 1.5 will that do ?" I said "Yes , will pukka return in Jan". "send me your a'ct number" In ten minutes i had a confirmation that the money had been transferred.She never even asked me what it was for and why ..and it took 4 years for me to pay it back to her - not because i did not have the money but she would ignore all my smses and mails about where to send the money /cheque!! Till she came to Mumbai last month when i finally handed over the cheque to her..needless to say we spent a fabulous evening together and had a blast.
 To me these 2 incidences are the sum of my relationship with Anu.  Anu and I are not good at long distance relationships- but we are VERY GOOD at our friendship....we dont need the weekly,monthly calls to reiterate who we are ...we JUST are ...best of friends.I will take a flight to the end of the world for her and so will she. We may not talk but our conversations are seamless because we are always in touch wth each other  .....A lot of my friends wonder and cant understand how months can go by when we havent spoken and yet we are best of friends - how can that be .. a batchmate once commmented - what a selfish relationship u have ,only reach out when u need some help.to him and to others i say F$%% Off...it is not selfish it is SELFESS .How many people can go to bed at night knowing that there is one person who is NOT your spouse,sibling,child or parent who will do anything for you and yet never ask for something in return -I know 2 people who can Anu and ME and for me that is enough....

when did she grow up!!

as  i disconnect the phone - i suddenly think -damn when did she grow up!! this was my kid sister who today was telling me how best to solve the current family crisis we are dealing with..no not telling but advising....and i could not but help think..what a long way we have come...
 She was /is the youngest - the third born..after my brother and me...along came she....my Mom always said she was quite a 'sickly' child ..almost died twice as a baby ...but i guess she knew she was meant to do a lot in life and in her own stubborn way she chose to live....
as a child she was sweet and patient....oh so so patient...always played the underdog in all the role play games that my brother invented....patiently took the whacks and the karate chops that my bro threw at her...as she grew up she was everyone's favourite ...she knew how to connect with kids and at the same time was the pet of all the 'uncles' and 'aunties'..the 'mamas' and 'mamis'..quite unlike the two of us - my bro who was never around and me - well i was around but made it abundantly clear that i preferred a book to people....
as i sat through yet another traffic jam in mumbai i looked back - random flashbacks -childhood memories of plucking imli and running off before the watchman caught us,'picnics' under the big banyan tree in the golf course,visits to pind,learning how to cycle and then ride mom's moped,best friends in one moment and fighting ,scratching and hitting each other in the next ...laughing inanely at something that wasnt funny and hot  scalding tears at the loss of a pet .... 
And then we grew up..different schools ,different colleges,jobs,cities,marriage,relationship,divorce,break up ... marriage,kids,jobs the never ending circle of life.....and through it all she grew from strength to strength,handling every thing that life threw at her with a quiet grace and then as our family scattered and went in different ways she became the one that holds it together...i dont think anyone asked her to do it but somehow everyone just gravitated towards her ..... while i have allowed my brothers antics to get to me and turned away she still holds on - she asserts herself , no longer takes his verbal chops quietly  yet does not let that connection break. Today when my mom needs to talk and have a heart to heart she reaches out to her and so do i .and the other day when i wanted to rant about my bro and also find a solution to break the latest impasse in the family it was her again - and without even saying it i just knew that she would handle it .as i disconnected the  phone the thought flashed through my mind - when the hell did she grow up ??? to become this wonderful warm and strong woman - who in between managing her job,two kids and a husband is also the pilllar that holds our shaky family together !!
it would be elementary guessing for anyone who visits this blog to know that i am not the greatest or most prolific bloggers but this piece just had to be written ....and all i can say is this - sis whatever it is that saved you from that double pnuemonia attack as a child , i am so glad that it did ... cos if it wasnt for u we would not be the family we are today - and i guess i dont say it enough....but i am so proud and happy and secretly also relieved to have you around cos left to bro and me we would not be a family today !!i just hope that every family has one of you to hold them together.......

time will tell..and heal....

An idle summer day .. at a friend's place…”y don’t u go to S.com…? u never know u might find HIM there..this in response to my “where are all the good guys gone??”.I had just ended a long “on and off” relationship but I balked at the idea-“go on a matriomonial site” – I might as well as get LOSER tattooed on my forehead!! But she was persistent –quoting several friends who had found their life partners online – "come on woman we live in the internet age"…after dragging my feet ...I finally gave in(did I say she was persistent!!).
Profile created. One condition which was imp was NRIs please don’t bother –I wanna live in India.
Then started the roller coaster… of the most weird match making I have ever been through …the biker who rode down from Mumbai on his bullet – only to tell me he wanted his spiritual guru to “bless us” – HE would know if I was the right one !! The divorcee who CONSTANTLY spoke about his “B*#@*” of an ex-wife. The man who claimed he was a divorcee as his ex-wife was schizo..err she was not and he was very much married ! and many more such till I finally gave it up.Never went back to the site and went back to my very hectic work life and shut it out.Marriage,soul mate –yeah right ,will leave it to the next lifetime-maybe I will be born as a roach and have better chance of success !
Till one day a couple of months later… a strange email…Hi – how are u ? BTW NRIs are Indians too , what do you have against them ??  huhh?? -IGNORE.

A week later …a longer mail – Hi My name is R.... and I saw your profile on S.com. I live in California and was interested in knowing you better…let me know if you are interested.Polite,boring and mundane…but I don’t know what nerve that touched , and I vented !! to a complete stranger – I wrote a lonnng email about all the "interesting" men I had the misfortune fo meeting on line and ended with sorry – I should have closed down my account on S.com as I was no longer interested in pursuing that line of action. For a while there was silence and then I got a response – he told me that he found my mail quite hilarious (!!) and really just wanted to make friends if I was ok with that. He also wrote about his passion for films, his childhood in Delhi and how he was Amitabh B’s biggest fan – well emails led to phone calls and that truly was the beginning of a great friendship ..he was an MBA from an Ivy league college, worked with a bank – boring job but on the side he was into event management and truly truly passionate about films .. He was witty and intelligent and we really clicked. And yes it was clear that we were not looking at this as a romantic relationship _ I was quite sure I did not want to leave India and he did not see a future coming back.. he was the superb guy friend that every girl needs in her life !We spoke .. a lot I remember this time he was driving to his sisters place upstate and he described the drive on the way -the fall landscape ...he had a way with words ,or his multitasking skills being tested to the hilt - when he was talking to me ,babysitting his nephew and 'protecting' his laptop from the little one  who was hell bent on destroying it . Like me, he adored kids but did not want his own- quite happy with the borrowed nieces and nephews.I remember the time someone stole the emblem off his car – he was quite pissed “it isn’t a BMW without the emblem” he grumbled . U r so "Delhi Punjoo" I joked , worried about the ‘show-sha’ !! we talked and laughed and took cracks at each other. He was passionate about films and was managing an event for the Pirates of the Carribean with a friend. He hoped to someday quit his “boring bank job” and do that full time.

28th Jan 2007 –"happy Birthday" the first call I got at sharp 12 midnight was from him. I kept asking him when his Birthday was and he never told me … anyway the months rolled on till June /July of that year when he was supposed to come to Delhi to “see some girls” – S.com hadn’t worked for him either and his parents were keen for him to “settle down” and so he agreed. I was the friend and advisor helping to settle his nerves as he really felt that this was “not quite the way I thought I would get married” . he was quite adamant that he would not “see” girls - he hated the idea of “rejecting” or “being rejected” and would tell his parents – “ I will meet only one girl and if she agrees will go ahead”. Anyway we continued to talk and finally the day came in July 2007 when he landed in Delhi. I lived in Bangalore at that time and was in Pune for a campus trip. I was at the airport waiting for the flight when he called . He was in delhi and we spoke. And then he dropped the 1st bombshell – “what about US?”. “WHAT about us ?”– I said not sure where this was going. Then the words tumbled out – his nervousness obvious .. ‘we get along so well..why not give it a try. Look lets just tell our families.. no pressure , no engagement, come to California for a visit – you will love it, I will totally support what u want to do ….study ,work ,isn’t it worth a try?” I was stunned – I fumbled,my nervousness obvious – why r u doing this -ruining everything, I am not prepared… will call u back.need some time to think. Emergency call to friend and she was like “r u stupid, of course YES. Give it a try…..its worth it whats wrong with u – its now or never.” So I took a deep breath and said YES.
No it wasn’t love – I did not feel that but it did not feel wrong either,it felt JUST right. So we decided I would come to Delhi – we would meet up enroute from the airport at Nirulas and then we would go to our respective homes and tell our family. I remember that drive from the airport – I did not feel butterflies at potentially meeting the man I could marry I just felt really happy at meeting the guy who was my friend . . he called and dropped the 2nd bombshell… “ I am so sorry, I cant do this… there is this girl she is the daughter of my dad’s friend.. the families are keen and I don’t know how to say no. she seems really nice…”. I was silent and then I said in the most nonchalant tone I could muster “ hey no problem – its fine,I mean WE weren’t gonna work anyway u know I don’t see myself moving countries….i think u r making the right choice…. “ we cancelled the nirula’s meeting it was too awkward and I went straight home and then back to Bangalore.Work was hectic,the daily grind took over and I had barely anytime to think.
Was I hurt – yes, was I devastated – no , I just felt really stupid and awkward. Imagine being proposed to and rejected by someone who had not even met u and that too in less than a week! Over time I even learnt to laugh at the ridiculous turn of events! But yes at times when loneliness struck I did wonder why did this happen to ME??? The calls and emails stopped _i missed the friend i had - I wanted to reach out but felt awkard I guess he felt the same… time does heal everything and the punishing work schedule helped too…

1st Jan 2008 – the most beautiful apology mail ever .. ".........I behaved like a cad , I am so sorry for what I did and I hope you can forgive me." He had married her and they were both in California now.

I melted – and wrote back. The emails started again –they were less frequent but it was good again.We never spoke but there was peace between us.

28th Jan 2008 – an email “happy birthday”. He still hadn’t told me his date of birth and now I had stopped asking ! we exchanged a couple of mails and all was well.
Then silence …. Till sometime a couple of months he wrote to tell me he was not too well – it was a condition called the enlarged heart –nothing serious, he was on medication. His wife was studying, doing her MBA and some more such  details of his life. This was now a ritual - somehow we were really at peace with each other and I looked forward to that annual interaction-"happy birthday" a couple of emails and silence but the vibe was good and peaceful… i started looking forward to my birthday email!!
28th Jan 2009 – “happy birthday”.He was excited –while he had not quit his job he had started his own event management firm .One baby step -atleast one of us was moving towards a cherished dream..
28th Jan 2010 – “happy birthday” . Ironically this was the day I was resigning from my current job , and moving to Mumbai in a month’s time to another job and a new life…. I wrote to him quite excited and said I would give him my personal email id so that we could be in touch. He was really happy for me –we exchanged a couple of more emails and then I got busy with the relocation, the handing over, new city, house hunting, the farewells etc etc etc and somewhere somehow I never got around to the personal email id ………..

I have looked for him – on FB, on google,but with a name like R.....S.......it is difficult….to find MY R... S.....

Is he looking ? I don’t know…. I sure hope to hell he is . Jan 28th 2011 is a couple of months away – will he find me ?? How will I feel if he does not .. I don’t think I will be devastated but I think in the corner of my heart somewhere I will feel sad.

In the last couple of months I have thought of him a lot – Mumbai is a overcrowded yet lonely city – it emphasizes your loneliness like very few cities can.Unlike Bangalore which in its quaint,sleepy homely way never lets you feel alone , Mumbai with it crowded,hi energy never-sleep attitude does…and in many a lonely moment I have thought – what if we had met , what if. I am 38 and a very realistic person – too realistic perhaps – and I don’t claim to be in love with R...., never was and nor was he… but I do “what if” and “maybe”a lot when it comes to him – maybe it would have been a disaster and we would have hated each other when we met.Maybe it was better that we never met …maybe…

For now I will settle for the smaller blessings in life – I hope he is looking for me …and I hope he finds me just to say "Happy Birthday",i want my friend again - the once a year "happy birthday" its not much but i will settle for that …. But then maybe he is not even looking..maybe..it is all in my head…maybe i think what we share is important but he does not ..i dont know…. Time will tell……time has always been a good friend .....it has helped heal many wounds and 28th Jan 2011…its not that far away...till then i can "hope" and "maybe" and "what if"